


don't drift away

by bapplejack



Series: you're a never ending song in my soul [2]
Category: Elyza Lex (Fanverse), Multi-Fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:51:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6326083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bapplejack/pseuds/bapplejack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia is really mean and clingy when she's sick. Eliza is super gay and sappy. Aden is a cinnamon roll and wants to help.</p><p>//lexark sick!fic w/ fluff and angst. x-posted from tumblr & added additional chapter.//</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. hey! i got a fever that only you can break

“You need a break, slowpoke?” Elyza paused and called back towards Alicia, who was several paces behind.

Instead of a quick-witted, snarky response, she simply responded with an irritated grumble, “No.” When she was standing next to the other two again, she caught them exchanging questioning glances. _Why_ were they looking at each other like that? She just– _fuck_ . She didn’t want to deal with this shit right now, it was hot and her head was hurting. “Can we just fucking _go_ , please?” She dragged her hand down her face before gesturing forward.

“Um… Are you sure you’re okay?” Aden asked carefully, worry coloring his eyes. “I mean, we can take a little bre–”

 _"No._ I don’t need a break,” she breathed quietly through gritted teeth. It hurt to talk, and she didn’t want them prodding at her with anymore questions, so she continued forward and walked past them, ignoring their unconvinced stares.

“Alicia, you’re really not loo–” Sure a part of her heart actually perked up at Elyza’s _genuinely_ concerned tone-–unfortunately the moment she woke up her day was destined to be shitty, and so far the prophecy was being fulfilled-–so without even looking back, she gave her the finger even as she carried on. Alternatively Alicia had considered just saying, ‘ _nope, fuck you,’_ but words burned coming up, as if her cutting comments actually had blades attached.

Also currently experiencing what she imagined breathing through lava would feel like, which was a super great feeling–-she was _really glad_ she didn’t need to breathe today.

_This is fine. I’m fine. I don’t need to slow us down. It’ll be fine once we actually settle down for the night. It’s not a big deal, I’ll just sleep it off. Don’t think so much. Just keep walking._

She mentally kept herself in check, sliding in thoughts every few moments to keep her attention from fading away completely, which was proving difficult when her sight was starting to drift away with it.

_Don’t fucking do this. Do not. Stop that. Stare at that pavement. Hey, look at that rock, what a cool fucking rock. No. No no no no no, you’re doing this aren’t you? You’re really-Oh, goddamn it…_

_“Alicia–!! Fuckin–”_

* * *

 

Whispers began to tickle the edge of Alicia’s mind, pulling her from the hazy, muggy darkness that enveloped her consciousness, blocking her from the rest of the world and stubbornly tugging her back into sleep. She was cocooned in warmth, and it was a _bit_ stifling, but the bed? was comfortable enough and she didn’t give a shit right now.

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yeah, it’ll be fine. I’ll only be gone a little bit. We passed by a Walgreens and a CVS a bit ago.”_

_What? Why? Why is Aden leaving?_

_“Yeah, but…”_

_“I’ll be careful. I can handle a couple walkers, and if it gets bad I’ll come back.”_

_A sigh. “Is it even worth it? That shit’s probably been raided a buncha times over. Medicine was one of the things to go first.”_

_Medicine? Oh, fuck–!_

Alicia’s eyes snapped open, the faint daylight filtering in through the windows burning slightly, but she had to push through it as she quickly sat up. “Don’t go–” she began to protest before being interrupted by a coughing fit.

“Holy shit– _you scared the fuck out of me_ , fucking…” A steady hand pressed against her back, and a bottle of water was placed in front of her, tipping back into her mouth slowly. She gulped it down automatically and way too quickly–in the next moment she was choking and coughing again, the much too momentary relief burning away.

“Don’t go, Aden,” Alicia croaked painfully.

“What the fuck, really? Can you believe this asshole?” Elyza looked over at Aden, who was still wide-eyed and stunned by what just transpired. “We’re worried as fuck because this dickhead passes out from being stubborn, and the first thing she does? Be stubborn. Nice to see you too, bitch.” While the irritated tone was most notable, the brunette had quickly learned to realize the underlying humor in… well, most of her statements. Plus her hand was still on her back, rubbing gentle circles into it.

…Where even were they? She _was_ on a bed, and Elyza was sitting next to her, while Aden was a few feet away, standing by a door. Were they in a house?

 _Fuck_ , she just wanted to go back to sleep. ~~and maybe lean into Elyza because maybe she just wanted to be held by her, was that really so wrong? She felt like shit.~~

“It’ll be okay,” Aden finally managed to breathe out, a small smile on his face. He had that stupid, big-ass sword strapped to his back and a gun and knife holstered to either side of him. “It’s places we passed by earlier. They were mostly empty. It doesn’t hurt to check.”

“Like hell it doesn’t!” Talking stung, and raising her voice didn’t help, but she was not going to let this kid risk his life for some fucking Advil. _For her._ “Just… stay,” she sighed, leaning slightly into Elyza’s arm. “I’ll be fine.”

Neither of them responded immediately. Her eyes were closed at the moment, but even then she knew they were exchanging that annoying, doubting look.

Eventually Aden was the first to speak up again, “It’s better if we get you medicine. It’s something we’ll need later on anyway, just in case.” She looked at him just in time to see him shrugging sheepishly.

“ _No._ Elyza, come _on_ , you can’t be okay with this?” Alicia turned towards the other young woman, who had been looking towards the younger teen and now towards her. Hesitation was written all over her face. “ _Seriously?_ Something could happen-!”

“–Something’s _already_ happened.” She gestured vaguely with her free hand. “Remember that time you were being stubborn and bratty, passed out, and almost cracked your head open on the sidewalk? ‘Cause I sure as fuck do. _Look_ , he’s right. You’re bad off enough you need _something,_ and it’s something we’ll need in the future.” Elyza looked back towards the young man. “Aden, go. The earlier you leave, the quicker you can be back.”

He nodded, but before he could do anything else, Alicia interjected.

“Oh, _fuck no_. Come on, this is stupid. I’ll sleep it off, it’s not a big deal.” She met the eyes of the others; Elyza was uncharacteristically solemn, and Aden just smiled sadly.

_Fuck, why are they doing this?_

“Sorry Alicia. I’ll be back soon, I promise,” he reassured softly before stepping out of the room and out the front door.

When it clicked softly behind him, the brunette glared at her companion. “Why did you let him go?”

She shrugged. “It didn’t matter if I stayed or he stayed, he seemed eager to go ahead, so–”

“ _That’s_ not what I meant. Why did you let him leave at all!? He could get hurt, or ambushed by some assholes _–he could die-”_

 _“–_ ** _You_ ** _could die!”_ The explosion of the words mixed with her stormy blue eyes caught the brunette off-guard, and her mind was void of any response.

The fever probably didn’t help either.

Elyza’s eyes softened, and she sighed into her hand. Somewhere along the way, her other hand had trailed down to Alicia’s, and she squeezed it gently. “If there weren’t fuckin’ corpses walking around to _Thriller_ out there, we would take you to the hospital just to make sure you were okay. And even if we didn’t, it would be fine because we’d have the right kind of food and limitless water, or even those expensive ass organic smoothies that can provide like 50 million percent of your daily vitamin C value or whatever the fuck. But we don’t. We have _none_ of that. And you know the one thing I’ve learned in all of this is? Fuck, I mean our survival was never guaranteed when everything was all fine and dandy, but it sure as _hell_ isn’t now. I’m not going to let you die from some shitty cold or flu, especially if there was some Dimetapp or whatever nasty shit there is at the local pharmacy. Got it?”

The calm words flowed off her tongue with barely a thought from her end. “You said it yourself, our survival is never guaranteed. Even if he comes back with medicine, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to die. That’s not something you can stop if it’s meant to happen.”

Somber green eyes looked straight into Elyza’s surprised stare. The next two seconds rolled slowly, until what she’d said clicked in her mind.

 _Oh fuck, why did I say that–that was fucked up what the fuck–_ Once more, she was hit with a wave of deja vu, and while it didn’t make her soul curl and twist as strongly as the other times, her currently whiny body was being a dick and nausea washed over her. The next moment she was leaning forward and her hand was covering her mouth. She squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed thickly.

“Oh God, are you okay? Are you going to throw up? If you’re going to throw up, I would prefer you not throw up on me, but I mean, shit could be worse–fuck, seriously are you okay?” Elyza had moved closer, now sitting on the edge of the bed right next to Alicia. Her arm was wrapped around her shoulder, and she moved her other hand to intertwine it with the brunette’s free one. “Jesus, you’re going to give me a heart attack by the end of the night.”

Alicia leaned into her one armed embrace, resting her head in the crook of her neck. She pulled her hand away from her face and reflexively reached out and held the fabric of Elyza’s shirt tightly. “I-I’m fi…ne…” she mumbled shakily.

“Good.” The blonde hugged her tighter. Her chin rested lightly atop her head, and she squeezed her hand once more. “Because if you weren’t sick, I’d smack the shit outta you for what you just said,” she spoke softly.

The brunette chuckled weakly.

“I don’t give a fuck what’s meant to happen. I’m not letting you die, and I’m gonna kick reality’s teeth in if I gotta.”

“Sorry,” she murmured. “I’m an asshole.”

“Yeah, well, so’m I, we’re perfect for each other. Practically fuckin’ soulmates.” Even with her trademark ridiculousness, the words were gentle and soothing.

“How romantic.”

“That’s how I know you’re doing badly. That’s the fever talking.”

Alicia let out a short, breathy laugh. Her brain gave up on churning out witty responses. She’d owe her one later. All of a sudden she was hyper aware of how drained every part of her body was, and she didn’t care how fully she was resting against Elyza. She was burning inside out, but the sweat she was drenched in chilled her and she shivered.

“I got you,” the blonde murmured. She scooted back, and Alicia followed. Elyza rested against the headboard, and her legs were on either side of the brunette who was laying against her. She pulled the blanket over her so that it covered up to the ailing teenager’s shoulder and rubbed her hand comfortingly over her arm. “Better?”

Alicia nodded into her chest.

They shared a moment of silence before Elyza spoke up quietly. “He’s going to be okay, you know.”

“I know.”

“He’s a tough kid.”

“Yeah.”

“He was pretty worried about you. He was hovering the whole time. He’s like a puppy. I think he imprinted onto you. You’re his mom now.” She chuckled.

“Don’t even joke…” she mumbled sleepily. Even though breathing burned, everything hurt, and she was uncomfortably hot and cold at the same time she found solace in Elyza’s embrace.

As Alicia was pulled closer and closer towards unconsciousness, she fought to be aware, to remember the little comforting gestures that she provided. The way her hand trailed up and down her arm soothingly, or the way she brushed her hair back and gently caressed her cheek. Each of these actions quenched her soul of something she never even realized she craved. It wasn’t affection, or physical closeness, or someone acting as a caretaker.

It was _her._

This realization resulted from a combination of Elyza’s presence and her own fevered thoughts floating around as she drifted from the waking world. And even if she might not remember that realization, she would absolutely remember her partner curled up against her, as if her own body would protect her from any dangers. She’d remember the way she pressed her face atop her head and breathed deeply. She’d remember her hands trailing reassuringly over her body. She’d remember lips pressing lightly against her ear, though she wouldn’t admit that was a memory she held more dearly than others–not that she was _ranking_ them or anything.

And even if she was, they were all head-to-head. Really. ~~She was starting to come to terms with how gay she was for Elyza. Maybe. We’ll see.~~

But most of all, Alicia absolutely remembered the soft whispers that spoke plainly, not knowing the person being spoken to was still aware.

“I won’t let anything happen to you. I don’t want to lose you–I _won’t_ lose you. I can’t.”

_You won’t._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first part is shorter b/c it was intended as a one-shot and i got carried away by sickfluff qqqqq. thx for reading yall!
> 
> ps. this is in the same universe as my other fic, just... ff'd a bit, lol.  
> pps. i still plan on updating the other fic, but i am slow and get distracted by sickfic, my b.


	2. i'd be okay if we could stay forever tangled like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continuation of last chap from elyza's pov. she's the queen of gay feelings, just you wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of self-harm, be care yall.

Fuck. Her leg had fallen asleep.

Despite that though, Elyza continued to stay where she was, acting as a blanket around Alicia. Her arms were wrapped around the other young woman's smaller frame, her own hands rising and falling with every deep breath from the brunette. It had been about half an hour since she'd fallen asleep completely, occasionally stirring to cough or sneeze. Even if sleeping was all she could really do, it was by no means comfortable. Her breathing was labored, and she shivered from the fever. There was only so much the blonde could do with her limited resources right then. It irritated her that the comfort she offered Alicia was insignificant, but even then she continued to brush her hair out of her face and dry her forehead with a gentle touch. And it was why she continued to let the teenager sleep against her even as her legs were going numb. 

While she enjoyed the use of her legs, if she had to choose between her limbs and Alicia, the latter would win, no question about it.  ~~Not that she would ever admit that out loud.~~

Elyza sighed heavily. Her heart was heavy and there were cracks in her facade, but right now she had to hold it together.  _Someone_ had to keep an eye on her companion, and she was afraid the slightest movements would awaken what was guaranteed to be a light slumber. But to pass the time while she waited for Aden, her soft blue eyes trailed down the profile of Alicia's face. There was a subtle pain in her resting face--expressed by the furrow of her brow and the twitch of her eyes squeezing shut tighter--that added to the weight of her own self-inflicted guilt. But even then, the sight of her at all eased some of the tightly wound stress inside of her.  ~~How the fuck did someone look so pretty even when they were kind of dying? Why was she so consumed by angst and gay feelings?~~

The front door clicked quietly, and reflexively her muscles tightened and she sat up straighter, only stopping when her movement drew an incoherent, but kind of whiny mumble from Alicia, whose hands clung tighter to Elyza's shirt. 

Well, if there was a serial murderer, chainsaw wielding walker in their camp right now, this wasn't such a bad last memory to have.  _ ~~Why was Alicia's delirium so fucking adorable?~~ Why am I a bad person?_

But as the light thudding footsteps came closer and closer to their door, she relaxed at the sight of Aden, not even realizing she'd been holding her breath until she exhaled longly.

The younger teen's dirty blond hair was tufted up on one side, probably from running his hand through it and pushing it back. There were new splotches and streaks of dirt on his clothes and face that she didn't remember, as well some faint stains of blood that  _definitely_ weren't there when he left. But despite him looking more worn out than when he'd set off, there was a shine to his eyes and a grin on his face. 

Elyza's words caught in her throat when she dared to hope what that meant. With wide eyes, she wordlessly watched him carefully step closer to the side of the bed until he was right by them. 

He spoke quietly, "I found some."

She wanted to cheer and hug him, but held back the impulse since Alicia was still resting against her and she definitely didn't want to accidentally toss her off the side of the bed. Instead, she grinned.

"I found some liquid medicine and pills... no thermometer though." He shrugged a little sadly.

"Who the fuck cares? Aden, you're the fucking best. Oh my God, how did you even find any?"

"I had to be pretty thorough... I was crawling under fixtures and shelves and stuff," he chuckled. "Sorry it took so long."

"What? Don't be sorry! Come over here, ya--" She reached over with an arm and pulled him into a tight, one-armed hug. He giggled, even as he tried to squirm and wiggle away. Though when Alicia began to stir and rolled over, she let go and ruffled his hair. "You okay? You aren't hurt or anything, are you?"

Aden shook his head. "I ran into a couple walkers in the store and on the way there, but there weren't any other people around." He set the two boxes of medicine on the small bedside table before kneeling down, his worried eyes fixing up towards the brunette. "Is she okay?" he whispered, his words so quiet they threatened to shatter in the silence.

Elyza hesitated to answer right away.  _Yeah, she's fine._ That's what she wanted to say, and those were the words that had made their way to her tongue, but she bit down before they could leave. She _wanted_ Alicia to be okay. She  _hoped_ she was going to be okay, but right now her emotions and confidence were wearing thin, and her mind was exhausted from the mental equivalent of pacing back and forth for hours until she'd marched a groove into the carpet of her brain room. Even as hard as she tried not to think about the alternative, there was nothing she could do to avoid the reality that shit was grim. Alicia's fever was running hot, and they had no idea  _how_ hot, not to mention they were just a bunch of teenagers trying to make the best with what little supplies they had.

This was the smallest she'd ever felt.

"She will be," Elyza whispered back.  _She has to be._ They might not have known each other for very long, but contemplating the absence of her companion was jarring. Impossible. Any reality or situation she could conjure up in her imagination felt completely wrong without Alicia. 

This was  _not_ the darkest timeline, goddamn it.

"Hey. Can you grab the Robitussin and pour some out?"

It took a few moments for Aden's eyes to peel away from Alicia, but he eventually nodded as he stood up and stepped towards the table. "Not the Advil?"

She shrugged. "I was hoping we could just slip it into her while she's half-asleep so she doesn't wake up. Don't wanna choke her when we're trying to make her feel better." She smiled wryly.

While the younger teenager prepped the medicine, Elyza nudged Alicia's shoulder lightly. "Hey... Hey, wake up real quick?" 

She groaned as her eyes fluttered open. Incoherent grumbles fell out of her mouth as a part of her brain tried to verbalize her disdain, while the other part was wasted and had fallen head first into a trash can.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You hate me right now," she joked, but her tone was still soft. "You can go back to sleep in a second." Aden passed over the small cup of unnaturally red syrup and Elyza held it up to Alicia's lips. "Cheers." She tilted it back so that it very slowly dripped into her mouth.

In the other young woman's half-asleep, fever addled mind, she obediently complied and drank it up. But once the taste of deceptively sweet, tongue-tingling, and just outright fucking nasty medicine was realized in her brain, she gagged and tried to sit up. In that split second, she half-choked on the syrup that was still being swallowed and launched into another coughing fit.

" _Oh fuck_ \--are you ok--Aden--water--tha--" Elyza's words were slower than her thoughts, and as soon as Aden passed her a bottle of water she pressed it against Alicia's lips so she could drink.

She drank for several moments, and the blonde let out a small sigh of relief.  _She's fine. She'll be okay._ To be honest, she was a little relieved that they could get some water in her. What was the point of Aden going all that way and risking his life if she was just going to get worse from dehydration?

Finally, Alicia croaked hoarsely, "What the fuck?" Even as annoyed as she tried to make her words sound, she still leaned against Elyza as she sat up and rested her cheek against the blonde's shoulder. "I'm going to taste that in my nightmares..."

"Don't be a baby, it wasn't that bad," she murmured.

"I want to scrape my tongue against a cheese grater."

"I can tell you where you can scrape your tong--" she laughed when Alicia elbowed her.

"Such a dick..." she mumbled, before looking towards Aden, who's sitting on the chair besides the bed now. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I'm fine. Are you?"

"Peachy. You're sure though? You didn't get hurt?"

The dirty blond smiled softly. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I promise."

"...Thank you." Her voice was quiet, and when the boy reached over to clasp both of his hands around hers, she squeezed back lightly.

"I just want you to be okay," he whispered. Aden moved towards the bed and sat down on the edge, before leaning towards her as he pressed his face into their hands.

She pulled one hand away from him and brushed her fingers through his hair reassuringly. "I'll be okay. You guys are so dramatic," she joked, a small smile on her face.

"Says the person who wanted to scrape their tongue against a cheese grater?" Elyza smirked.

"Look, that shit tasted  _awful_."

 

* * *

 

Dim, orange light emanating from the candles danced around the room from every corner. While it wasn't as great as having  _electricity_ , it was still better than being stuck in the dark with only the moonlight. A few hours had passed since Aden came back with the medicine and night had fallen. Since then they'd eaten and managed to get at least a little food into Alicia, despite her whines and protests of not being hungry. Though in the end it was all talk, and she caved into whatever the two mom'd her into doing. Elyza was relieved that she wasn't going to make this any more difficult, and had realized that the brunette was  _very clingy_ when she was sick. But she wasn't going to say anything about. Not because she enjoyed it, but because who bitches at a sick person? It's not like she enjoyed the way Alicia leaned against her and held her hand and pressed her face into her shoulder. It didn't totally melt her heart how in her needy delirium she'd refused to let go of Elyza. That shit wasn't absolutely endearing. Nope. _Not at all._  

...Yeah, she knew she was neck deep in her gay feelings.

Currently, Aden and Alicia were curled up against each other on the bed and sleeping peacefully. While the blonde hid her concerns and worry under a thinly veiled facade of sarcasm, Aden wore his heart on his sleeve and openly fretted over their companion. And it was a mess of worry circling around into itself, because Alicia insisted on the boy being taken care of first and what ensued was a sweet, domestic display of two dorks bickering before throwing balled up bread crusts at each other and breaking down into giggles. 

She smiled at the two peaceful figures for several moments before sighing shakily and quietly heading for the front door. Carefully, she opened it and closed it very quietly behind her, not wanting to awaken the other two. 

Elyza sat down onto the brick step that led up to the front door and took a deep breath of the crisp air. The entire neighborhood was eerily silent and was enveloped in complete darkness, asides from highlights outlined by white moonbeams. For the first time in a while, she was completely alone.

The cracks in her facade grew deeper before it finally shattered to pieces.

Her eyes grew warm and watery, and the painful thud of her heartbeat pounded in her ears. She pulled out a small pack of cigarettes and flipped open the top, staring down at the remaining fourteen. She resisted the reflex to just pull one out and light it up, even as she looked down at them with tired eyes, her index finger impatiently tapping the back of the box. She needed to do  _something_ familiar, something to distract herself,  and it would be  _so easy_ to cave into the temptation. But today happened to be the one-in-a-million where her guilt about being responsible won over her self-destructive impulses. Sighing, she closed the lid and stuffed the small box into her jacket pocket.

Today had been a shitty day, but she didn't want to make it shittier. If she was alone, she'd light five at once, stuff three in her mouth and one in each eye. But she wasn't, and she was worried the smell of smoke would exacerbate Alicia's sickness. 

So, obviously the only other option was to repeatedly smack her head against the side of the house.

Elyza sighed, burying her face in her hands as hot tears rolled into her palms.

This was the unmistakable feeling of helplessness. 

The kind that visits people when they're standing in a bright, white hallway that smells like anti-septic and all the doctors and nurses are walking quickly and right past the kid waiting outside, staring blankly at the clean floor.

The kind that kid feels when they're sitting in a car that's driving them to God-knows-where. They feel nothing, which is not the same as feeling neutral. It is a void of emotion, because feeling hurts. And right now they're tired, and don't have the energy to hurt anymore.

The kind that haunts that kid as they're going through the motions of waking up, going to school, sitting through classes, returning to a house that is not home, and repeating this cycle daily towards a finish line that does not exist.

The kind that's irritating and dragging Elyza down right now because the world's fucking ended, and everyone's dead, but it didn't matter because surviving was what she does best. And whether she liked it or not, it was true, as evidenced by the metaphorical trail of corpses, and corpses of corpses she leaves behind her. She's learned that people die, and you do what you can, but then you move on, because in the end you can only control your future and no one else's.

Which is why this particular situation was grinding her nerves, perpetuating restless frustration that stormed inside of her.

_What the fuck do you do when your future was intertwined with someone else's?_

It was-- _she_ was stupid. Alicia was going to be fine. Sure, shit looked dreary in world with the human population almost entirely extinguished, and with the corpses that walked around, and no more new music from Nicki  ~~but let's be real, she was perfectly fine, hiding away in her castle of gold off the coast of South America or some shit~~ , but that didn't mean people were going to start dropping because of the flu or whatever it was.

And yet, she couldn't help but think of the worst outcome, because somewhere deep in her gut there was something that nagged at her.  _Has this happened before?_ Of course it had, she'd known plenty of people personally that died, but when she thought of them, none of them clicked into place with that feeling of familiarity. And then she dared to imagine the worst outcome, which was Alicia succumbing to her illness. 

 _Fuck_ , why was it so easy to imagine her laying in bed, her breaths shaky, and deep, and labored? Her eyes fluttering open and close as she fought to stay conscious, because none of them knew if the next time she shut her eyes if they'd ever open again. The glisten of her skin might've even seemed beautiful, if it weren't for the fact that it was from her body burning up from the inside. Elyza held her hand and squeezed it. She fought down any sobs and pressed her face against their hands.

Why did these dark thoughts strike a chord inside of her? Why were the thoughts of her hands so real, like it was an event she was reliving?

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to sever this line of thinking. She glanced down at her shaking palms, and in her vision blurred with tears and obscured by darkness, she swore they were covered and stained by something dark and sticky. It was still warm against her skin, and even as her mind scrambled to identify this foreign substance, there was a small, knowing voice in the back of her head that whispered:  _Blood._  

Elyza sucked in a sharp breath and quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hands before staring down at her palms again.

Clean. They were perfectly clean.

_I am fucking losing my shit._

But her attention was quickly drawn backwards when there was a small creak behind her, and she practically jumped out of her skin. The door was opened slightly, and a familiar figure came forward.

Alicia stepped outside, reaching out of her blanket to close the door behind her. Her feet padded across the cold brick, and she sat down snugly next to Elyza, who sighed tiredly. ~~And with relief.~~

The brunette was still wearing the same sleeveless shirt and shorts she'd been carried to bed in, her jacket still inside hanging on the back of a chair and her shoes and socks laying haphazardly across the floor. The only cover she had right now was one of the smaller blankets they'd been sleeping with draped over her shoulders.

The blonde scowled, still on-edge from her dark thoughts and too realistic imagination. "Go back inside. It's cold out. You'll make your fever worse."

She shrugged casually, her arms and shoulder pushing against Elyza as she did so. "S'not that cold. 'sides, I'm hot. No air conditioning," she drawled as she stared across the street, a dazed, distant look in her faded, green eyes.

"You are such a pain in the ass," she grumbled through gritted teeth, pressing her face into her hands. Heat still tickled the back of her eyes, and she  _refused_ to let any tears escape while Alicia was around. "Why can't you just listen to me?"

"Why are  _you_ out here?" she asked, still looking ahead.

"'cause I feel like it," Elyza answered vaguely.

She gave a nod, and the blonde turned to look at her. Her eyes darted around her face, uncertain of how to read her spaced-out expression. Several seconds dragged by, before finally the brunette spoke quietly, "What's wrong?"

She raised her brow questioningly. "What do you mean?"

"You seem upset."

Elyza looked off to the side. "I'm fine."

Another shrug pressed against her. "You should be more honest with yourself."

She scoffed. "I don't really think you're in any position to tell me that."

Alicia finally looked over and met her eyes. Her breath caught in her throat, and she wasn't certain how to describe the expression of the murky green waters, only that there was a depth to them she couldn't quite comprehend. It was a little unsettling how distant her gaze was, and yet there was a knowing familiarity that enveloped her. Something in her eyes that said  _I know you,_ and it was surreal, but oddly comforting.

"Okay. I'll tell you something and you'll tell me something."

The blonde arched her brow. "Tell me what?"

"Ask."

"You're playing a pretty dangerous game here..."

Alicia shrugged again. Her impassiveness was jarring, and Elyza was starting to worry that her brain was fried.

"Okay... Why are you so fuckin' stubborn? Why didn't you just say from the start that you weren't feeling well?" She sighed exasperatedly. Aden and her could tell since that morning that something was wrong. She'd been uncharacteristically quiet and sluggish, only grumbling in response to any of their questions. But they hadn't pushed her because well...  _she was stubborn._

"I didn't want to slow us down," she responded levelly. "It wasn't so bad at first."

"Yeah, not  _at first._ But why didn't you say something later?"

"I thought I'd be okay." At Elyza's incredulous, blank stare, her lips curled into a small smile. "I guess I was wrong."

" _Yeah, you guess._ _"_ She scowled. "Who cares if we slow down a little? The world's gone to shit. Time's barely a thing anymore. It's not like we have afternoon meetings or buses to catch. And it doesn't matter how much progress we make if you get sick and die. Just... please let us know next time?"  _I don't want to lose you._

Another small nod. "Okay."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes."

" _Really promise?"_

Alicia rolled her eyes, and Elyza was never so glad to see her trademark sass. " _Yes._ Do you want a pinky swear?"

Actually. She held out her pinky and looked at the brunette expectantly. Her eyes widened in surprise, before relaxing into exasperation and she reached over and hooked their fingers. 

"Happy?"

"Very."

"Dork." 

"Maybe. So, what are you going to ask me?" Elyza glanced over at her, noticing how she curled up on herself and the shivers she tried to hide. She reached over and rested her arm on her shoulders and pulled her closer. Her hand trailed down, and she linked their fingers together.

"What's upsetting you?" Alicia asked quietly, the somber expression back on her face.

The blonde hesitated. Was there a  _normal_ way to say  _I'm so afraid of you dying that I can imagine it happening?_ Probably not. "...I'm not sure if you want to know."

"Don't side-step the question. I just pinky promised you, the least you can do is give me an answer. You're not going to break our deal, are you?" Alicia nudged her lightly, but her weight continued to lean against her.

Elyza sighed, taking a few moments to find the words that could properly describe her fucked up, cynically fatalistic mood and the weird thoughts that came with it. "I'm just worried about you. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't shake the fear that you might die. Like, I  _know_ that it's not a big deal--healthy people get sick all the time and are okay--it's just... I dunno. It's a stupid worry that's stuck in my head, and I keep dwelling on it and making it worse," she mumbled.  _I saw you die in front of me, and it was so real._ She swallowed thickly. "It's... worse because I know there's nothing I can do to fix this. I just have to wait and see how it pans out. I just... don't want you to die," she whispered. The blonde pressed her face into the crook of her neck. The hotness that worried her before was what kept her reassured--if she was warm, then she was alive. "I hate that I can't control this."

Alicia rested her head more fully atop Elyza's, and her hand pressed against the side of her face. Her thumb rubbed circles into her cheek, and the blonde closed her eyes, relishing in the moment and burning this memory into her soul. She would much rather have these imaginings comfort her in the night than vaguely familiar and surreal faux-memories haunting her. "It's okay that you can't control this," she murmured. "You can't control everything, and that's okay."

The words, her calmness, the way her breath gently pushed into her hair--all of it was too much. It was soothing, and familiar, and frightening, and devastatingly depressing, and all these contradictory emotions were flooding into her chest, threatening to burst through. Her hands wrapped around Alicia and she couldn't even imagine letting go.

"I'm still here. Don't be afraid."

Elyza's mind yanked her back to that particular memory--the one that  _wasn't even a memory--_ where warm, sticky blood was staining her hands, and there was a disconnect in her mind. She shuddered, not understanding why this sickly regret plagued her. It wasn't real. It was just a stupid thought. And yet... Her brain reeled from the overwhelming load of confusion and she wasn't certain if she was choking back a sob, or if she was gagging, but hot tears streamed down her face and she gripped Alicia's shirt tightly. Panicked half-words and cries fell out of her mouth, and she didn't even know what she wanted to say right then. There were no words that could properly convey the torrid storm twisting up her insides. 

Alicia pulled her closer and wrapped the blanket around her as well, hugging and rocking her back and forth gently. The blonde wasn't sure if the shakes were from herself, or from the brunette. Her murmurs were just as incoherent, and she could swear some of the moisture that hit her cheeks were not her own, but right then she just wanted to focus on what was in front of her. Elyza needed reassurances that the girl in her arms was real, and whole, and okay. Her body drank her warmth, and in that moment, as hard as she wished, it almost seemed like time stopped just for them.

 

* * *

 

"Who would've pegged you for a crybaby?" Alicia teased softly.

"Shut up. You cried too."

The two girls found themselves laying on the hard brick, both wrapped around each other and cocooned in the blanket. To be honest? Shit was uncomfortable. But there was a peace they'd managed to achieve here, and if they moved, it would be gone. 

Their faces were right next to the other, and Elyza's was pressed into the brunette's cheek, her breath tickling the other's skin. Her hand was resting on her chest, and she found relief every moment Alicia's chest rose with each breath.

The night was still asides from their residual sniffles, and occasionally small, peaceful murmurs escaping from them.

"Do you feel better?"

The blonde winced. "I should be asking you that. You're the one that's sick."

"Just answer the question. Weren't we just talking about how you should be more honest with yourself?" she smirked.

 _"We_ should be more honest with ourselves."

"Don't make this about me," she teased.

"Stupid," she breathed lightly. Elyza's fingers trailed across Alicia's arm, specifically tracing the scar on her left. "Yeah. I feel better," she closed her eyes and hummed softly, wishing there was a way she could be even closer to the other girl. "You?"

"Eh. Yeah, I guess so. You know, emotionally. Physically, I still feel like shit, but y'know, can't win 'em all."

"Then let's go back inside." She moved to get up, but the younger girl's hands kept her in place.

"I'm comfortable here. Just a little longer?" she added, slightly pleading when Elyza's brow furrowed with hesitation. "Please?" she whispered so quietly that the blonde wasn't entirely certain if she just imagined it.

"...Okay. Just a little longer." She relaxed and laid back down besides Alicia, who turned towards her, their faces barely a space apart before she wiggled even closer so that their foreheads were touching.

"Are you still scared?"

"A little. I think I'll always be a little scared. It's something I can't shake in the back of my mind. I don't know why."  _Like the way I want to lay here with you. Or the way I want to be stuck with you for as long as forever._ Elyza omitted voicing those thoughts though--or else Alicia was going to think she was a big cheesy sap, and she was not ready to be  _that_ emotionally vulnerable. 

"It's okay to be a little scared. I think we're all a little scared. Just don't take it all on by yourself. That's what I'm here for."

"To be my personal psychologist?"

"Yeah. You're gonna be racking up quite a bill later on." Alicia grinned.

"I don't have any money... is there any way else I can pay off my debts?" Elyza reached over to squeeze her sides gently, to which the brunette squeaked in surprised and laughed.

"Don't do thaaaat..." she whined.

"Well, then how else am I supposed to pay my therapy bill to you?" The blonde mock-pouted.

The two shared a moment of silence, simply smiling at each other and breathing in the other's presence. Elyza didn't know or understand how she could feel so safe in someone's arms. She hadn't realized how deep the care in her heart actually ran, and it was daunting how endless it was--and all of that was brought to light because of Alicia. 

The brunette pressed their faces even closer. Their noses brushed against each other, and their lips were barely apart. When she spoke, the blonde could feel every word grazing against her skin. "Just stay with me."

"I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think that ended up being angstier than i intended, looool. oops. ),: anyway, thanks for reading, fam. <3 hmu on tumblr @ bappykomclarkekru.
> 
> chapter titles are lyrics from fever - canopy climbers cuz imma big cheezball.


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